My Middle Space

...this is what I have nicknamed a place in my head that I don't necessarily enjoy but it is one I find myself hanging out in this week. It is a friend of mine I visit whenever medical tests or surgeries for our children are drawing closer. It is not one of anger, sadness, guilt or confusion  ..... or maybe it is, but all rolled into one quiet ball that keeps bouncing around inside my head. It is a space where I don't feel blue (entirely) but not (bright) yellow either. It is a space where I can occupy myself during the day feeling peaceful but thoughtful. It is one that routinely wakes me up when the house is sweetly quiet, only the sound of blissful sleep to be heard. It is one that doesn't respond to journalling, talking it out, being creative, praying ..... even ignoring. I decided this week to just be in it & I'm okay. I'm okay.

Hannie has a sweat test tomorrow to rule out Cystic Fibrosis. As her Momma, I feel strange about it all & maybe even a little guilty. Guilty in the fact that if it returns negative, I will be relieved but if it returns positive, I will also be relieved. We have been working so very hard to figure out what is making her physically disappear before our eyes. We want, so much, for her to be able to keep up with her friends. For her to be able to play for hours on end, to attend a full day of school ..... for her just to feel well. She has been on the upswing over the last couple of weeks but we are reminded all too often that she is still unwell.

I know, to the very tips of my toes, that I am incredibly blessed. That Hannie and Jack's health could be so much more complicated, that we are blessed to live in a city with a Children's Hospital others travel across countries and oceans to be seen at. That we have an unbelievable family, not to mention our friends who would (& do) anything for us ... many even regarding us as family..... but these are our sweet children. I knew them even before I birthed them. We did everything in our power that they arrive not only safe but healthy. And here we are ....

I think daily about why ... why not us? What am I needing to learn from these experiences? Is it to put pride aside and ask for help .... check. Is it to learn patience, compassion, strength .... check, check, check. It is to reach out to other parents in similar situations ..... check. Is it to be truthful on the "not-so-rosy" days too ...... uuuuumm hmmmm ... I'll be starting today.

"Secret Heart" by Brian Andreas 

The secret is

not in your

hand

or your

eye

or your

voice,

my aunt once

told me. The

secret is in

your heart.

Of course, she said, knowing

that doesn't make it any easier.

"GROW, BONE, GROW"

XO,

Steph